He Knows

The fucked up thing is,

He thinks she gave up on him.

He thinks she just let go.

But how could she?

He is the love of her life.

The One man for whom she was made.

She just couldn’t bear the pain.

There were more hearts at stake than her own.

She couldn’t keep hurting people.

She couldn’t stand that she was hurting him.

Hurting so badly, he asked her to block him from everything she writes!

She did it, but only because he asked her to.

And it broke her fucking heart.

She still doesn’t understand what happened.

She doesn’t know where to go or what to do next.

She knows she is his though.

She always has been.

She always will be.

He knows it too.

He has to know it.

And if he doesn’t know it,

If down in his soul he doesn’t know that she will never abandon all hope,

Then she didn’t do a very good job loving him.

 

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Dreaming Isn’t the Same

She still dreams about him at night.

Not like she used to.

She used to dream he would show up, knock on her door and tell her he was finally all hers.

He would come inside and they would make love all night long, falling asleep in each other’s arms. They would awaken together, have breakfast and coffee in bed, and make love all over again.

Her dreams are different now. They’re more like nightmares. He is laughing. Not with her like he used to, but at her. She overhears him telling people he never loved her. She was just a toy.

She wakes up from this dream in a cold sweat, and she is afraid to go back to sleep.

So she lies there in bed, going over their last encounter in her mind again and again. She watches the videos he sent her reminding herself it was real. He really did love her; he still does.

But she is broken. She can’t figure out how to put the pieces back together. It’s like they don’t fit without him.

Given time, perhaps they will fit once more. She hopes they will. She just doesn’t know how to move forward without his voice reassuring her.

She misses him, awake or asleep. If only her heart would allow her a reprieve, she might be able to pull herself together enough to go on.

Maybe one day, the good dreams will again return and she will rest easy. Maybe one day, they’ll even come true.

Why live life from dream to dream,
And dread the day when dreaming ends?

-Satine

A Time to Cry

There aren’t enough times to cry.

Shower, bed, sometimes car.

The rest of the times,

She has to be strong.

She has to put on a brave face,

And smile.

She has been hiding for so long now,

She should be used to it.

But she’s not.

There is so much pain built up,

So much devastation at losing him,

Losing him like this.

She wants to cry openly and honestly,

And let the world know,

She’s not overreacting to whatever

Scenario she has made up.

She wants to tell the world,

This is the deepest, toughest, most agonizing pain

She has ever known,

Because it is the truest, most intense, most genuine love

She has ever lived.

She can’t tell the world of this love or this anguish.

She can’t even tell him anymore.

She suffers alone. Miserable and alone.

Wanting him to rescue her,

To wipe away her tears,

To make it right,

In spite of everything.

It Hurts

My heart cannot take it.

A punch to the chest.

No air.

No inhale, no exhale.

Am I even alive?

He was supposed to be the one.

He said I was his.

His world, his love, his everything, his angel.

He said he would never stop fighting for me.

He said forever and always.

He said he would never let go.

He said a lot of things…

They echo through my head;

Driving me mad;

Mocking me.

My heart burns.

Clamped in a vice;

Fighting to live, to hope,

To find a way to keep beating.

His name is the rhythm

I hear in my ears.

His smile is the sight

I look most forward to seeing.

His eyes tell me everything,

And his arms…

His arms are my home.

I cannot bear what I feel.

The pain is substantial.

It is crushing.

I am destroyed.

 

image by Steve K Art “If I Die in Your Arms Tonight”

 

It Was What It Was

It was a love affair for the ages. For over two years, it grew and evolved and became something neither of them ever expected. Their feelings became impossible to ignore or resist.

They were incurably addicted to each other. They loved deeper than they ever thought possible. They asked themselves and each other, how love could be like what they had? Neither of them had ever experienced anything like it.

It just kept getting stronger, it just kept getting deeper. They spent hours upon hours in conversation. The wrote out their feelings and shared their most secret desires without shame. And the sex… the sex was mind-blowing. It was two people, completing each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It was everything they had ever imagined love would be like. It was like every fantasy had actually come true. It was intense. It was passionate. It was an all-consuming fire.

Their hearts were intricately intertwined. They discovered their souls were two halves of the same whole. But their lives became harder and harder to manage apart from each other.

They knew without a doubt, they were made for each other. They knew they were meant to be together. But they knew they could not be together without causing serious damage to others.

She still doesn’t understand exactly what happened the day he told her he had decided. She went there thinking it was finally happening like she had always dreamt it would. He would FINALLY be hers. Instead, he caught her completely off guard when he told her the worst news of her life.

He had made his choice. It was the right choice, but it wasn’t her, and in that moment she lost hope. And so, despite everything they had ever shared together, every way they were perfect for each other, she knew she had to stop waiting and let him go, even if it killed her.

Top image “Gone” by Veronikka on deviantart

97C39796-2AAF-4FE6-8340-0084E8856B29

 

Always and Forever

I don’t have it in me to write this story for awhile.

Perhaps I will come back to the story again, when I am further removed from the heartache.

In the meantime, my heart has atrophied, and I have nothing left to give. I have no idea how to live with what seems like the ending, and I cannot rewrite it on my own.

I find myself unable to recount anything about today except the way his lips tasted the very last time I kissed him.

The way his felt body felt pressed against mine as I held onto him for dear life and cried.

The way the skin fold at the back of his head smiled even as his face did not.

The way I made a total fool of myself, trying to be close to him one more time.

The way he was hurting so badly, he couldn’t continue to look me in the eyes for the first time since I’ve known him.

This morning, I thought I saw a sign. I don’t generally believe in signs, but it couldn’t be a coincidence that I unknowingly ended up in the same place I was when he opened his heart and soul to me two years ago, could it?

I took my sign. I shared it with him. And I told him just how much I love him.

When I saw him, I ran to him, I embraced him, and I held him tighter than I ever had before. I was ready for whatever he had in store for us, until he actually said what he had come to say. It was not at all what I expected.

I know my heart missed a beat. I know my lungs could not take in air. I know my stomach wanted to evacuate what little was in it. I know I died the moment he told me.

The song says, “My heart will go on.” I really don’t know how it will. I really don’t know how I will ever be happy in this life or the next, with anyone who isn’t him. I don’t know anything except it feels like I have lost him forever.

My best friend. My Man in the Moon. The love of my life. My One and Only…. I will love him, Always and Forever.