Two Years Later…

Her heart felt like lead. She couldn’t breathe. She didn’t eat much and when she did, her body would not let it stay.

 

After countless times spent together, after hundreds of hours on the phone, after multiple conversations about their ill-fated love affair, she finally had to stop.

 

He was the love of her life, but he was not hers alone, and she couldn’t live with it anymore. She sobbed into the phone and told him, she would love him forever. She said, “later” because “good-bye” was something they had promised each other they would never say, but she could not bring herself to hang up, and he wasn’t ending the call either.

 

Neither of them wanted to let go. But they absolutely had to stop what they were doing. They were both getting hurt over and over, and they couldn’t keep doing that to each other.

 

He remained strong, for her he said, but she could tell he was breaking, too.

 

“I can’t hang up on you. I can’t,” she wept.

 

“You’re not hanging up on me, baby.”

 

“I love you. I am always going to love you. You have my whole heart,” she said the words as the tears choked her.

 

His voice cracked a little. “And you have mine.”

 

“We’ll hang up at the same time, ok?”

 

After a few more tearful moments and failed attempts to press “end,” she somehow managed to hang up the phone. But she had to say it one more time. She texted him:

 

“I know you probably turned the phone off already, but I just need you to know: I LOVE YOU. I ADORE YOU. I RESPECT AND ADMIRE YOU. You are the man of my dreams and the love of my life. I will love you always and forever.”

 

She hit “send” believing it was a message he would never receive. But in the next minute her phone rang.

 

He was sobbing.

 

“I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry. I just need you to know I love you.”

 

“Baby, I’m sorry! I love you too.” She put her head down on her desk and cried harder.

 

“I’m sorry. I’mma love you til the day I die.”

 

She could feel his broken heart in every syllable.

 

“Baby, don’t apologize, please. I love you so fucking much.”

 

She couldn’t remember how they ended the call that time, but she knew there was still no “good-bye.”

 

She tried calling a couple couple hours later, but the phone was off. He was gone. Gone from her life.

 

She sat and cried, wondering what kind of a life she would have without him in it. She wondered how much heartbreak one could endure before it physically killed you. She wondered if she would ever see his face again. She wondered if she had done the right thing. She wondered if she had lost him forever, or if one day, he would find her again.

 

She didn’t understand how the universe could be so cruel as to bring them back to each other under the circumstances. She didn’t understand how the heartache she felt now would ever cease. She didn’t understand why he had let her go. Again.

 

She did not know how she would go on living. She did not know what she would do to move on. She did not know anything with any certainty anymore. Except for one thing: He was the only one for her. No matter what happened in life, her heart would always belong to him.

Not Now, Not Ever

He had never been hers. Not once in her life. She gave him everything she had, her whole self, and he gave her his heart, but he couldn’t give her anything more. Or maybe he wouldn’t. She didn’t know the difference anymore.

All she knew was that she wanted him, all of him, all of the time and that wasn’t going to happen. Not now, and though he would say “one day,” she knew in her heart, not ever.

And her heart! Accepting this truth left her heart feeling irreparable, strangled, tortured, dead. It ached so dreadfully, she didn’t know how it continued to pump blood through her veins. It was physically agonizing inside her chest. The hurt was consuming her, and her poor heart begged for respite.

So she ate, she drank, she abstained, she slept, she exercised, she cried, she checked out, but nothing made it stop. Not for long. At times, the ache would temporarily subside. She would smile and laugh on occasion, but the pain would come back more fiercely every time she remembered she couldn’t share life with him, couldn’t have him exist as a part of her world.

She tried as hard as she could to live in her fantasies, in the pretend world she had created for them, but it was to no avail. Reality crushed her. He would never be hers. Not now, not ever. He never had been. And she had no one to blame but herself for thinking otherwise.

image by Steve K art

Twenty Years Later, Part One of Three

Two-tenths of a century. Two decades. Twenty years. Two hundred forty months. One thousand, forty weeks. Seven thousand, three hundred five days. One hundred seventy-five thousand, two hundred hours. Ten million, five hundred twelve thousand minutes, Six hundred thirty million, seven hundred twenty thousand seconds. However you measure it, what seemed like a lifetime would pass before they would see each other in person again.

Two lifetimes to be precise. His and hers. Existing completely separate from one another. Families, milestones, adventures, experiences, troubles, sorrows, joys; everything that makes life what it is was happening for them, just not together. Which would have been entirely normal and totally fine except for one thing: Neither of them had ever fully let go of the other.

He would creep back into her thoughts at random, odd times. She would wonder if and pray that he was happy. She really only wanted to know he was happy. (And she would later learn he had the same experiences, thinking of her time after time.) Of all the exes they’d both had, they were each other’s One to remember forever.

Hearing he had moved to a new city, she sometimes wished she’d bump into him while visiting his town. She had this strange feeling that she just needed to see him one more time. She had even found out he had been across the street from her home once for an event. Literally across the street! There were a few times she had opportunities to cross his path, but there was always something, or someone, that got in the way.

The years passed and things got less and less bearable for her at home. Her daughters were (and still are) her whole world; astonishing, intelligent, witty, beautiful young ladies. She adored them completely. But her marriage… her marriage was rockier with each day that passed. By about year 15, it was a lot of fighting, bad counseling, and gritting their teeth to get through it for the sake of the kids. She wanted out so badly. She had lost herself and had hardly noticed.

But the One knew it. He knew it the minute he laid eyes on her.

Up the Stairs

She finally left town, as she had told him she would. And he let her go without protest. She moved away, got a new job, and enrolled in school. She heard he had a new love interest, and she told herself she too needed to move on, but the magnitude of her heartbreak was big, and she cried often. She had wanted him, but he hadn’t wanted her. She took some comfort in knowing she had never actually told him she loved him. If she had admitted that to him and he had not reciprocated, it would have been even worse for her.

She started dating someone she had been friends with for a few years. He was a decent enough guy and he made her laugh. He also thought she was beautiful and sexy, intelligent and well-spoken and she liked that. She came to love him, even though it never quite felt like what she had known before.

She threw herself into the new relationship, and was excited to see things move quickly. Before she knew it, she was engaged, and it seemed like the prior chapter would finally be coming to an end.

Nearly two years passed when she was going to visit friends in the area where the One lived. She found a valid excuse to have him stop by where she would be, and he agreed to make an appearance.

She was so anxious to see him, she could hardly conceal her excitement. She couldn’t wait to see his smile, and to see him happy to see her. She was trembling with anticipation, but did her best to hide it. When she heard his muscle car pull up, she went outside to meet him. She didn’t want anyone else to see her face when she saw him. That would be a dead give away.

He stepped out of the car as she reached the bottom step. She showed her biggest and best smile to him, at last able to reveal how genuinely happy she was to see him. But… he did not smile back. He looked tired or indifferent, maybe even a little bothered, but not happy. Still, she couldn’t help but continue smiling at him as they greeted one another. She was so very attracted to him. She hugged him, hard; pressing her whole body against his. She was disappointed it didn’t elicit much of a response from him.

She attempted at conversation before turning to head up the stairs asking him about his new lady, but he was short, almost defensive with her in his responses.

What was going on? Why was he being so cold?

She wanted so much for him to just be happy to see her, to smile his panty droppin’ smile at her. Or least give her a little grin. But he wasn’t having it.

As she turned to go up, she threw an extra switch in her step as she climbed the stairs ahead of him. She knew him well enough to know he’d at least help himself to a look at her ass. She’d give him a sight to really see. Perhaps he’d smack or grab her ass like he used to when no one was looking. Maybe he’d grab her by the arm, turn her around, and kiss her with all his might. Much to her dismay, he did neither. He just walked up the stairs without a word.

Once she reached the door, she was left with no choice but to open it and walk back inside. Back to hiding everything again. She guessed that wouldn’t be difficult for him. He had been distant since the moment he stepped out of the ride, but for her, her heart began to ache all over again.

He never loved me, she thought. How could I have been so stupid?

She quickly regrouped and plastered on a smile as she introduced him to her new beau. He had been waiting inside the whole time, completely unaware that she would have left him behind in the blink of an eye if the One had asked her to. She resigned to say to herself it was probably for the best. She had learned that was what you did when you didn’t get what you truly wanted. If it was really for the best, why did it feel so shitty?

He left almost as quickly as he had arrived. As she watched him walk out the door, she wondered if it would be the last time she’d ever see him. She tried to find ways to cross his path again, but it never seemed to work out. Sure, there was social media, a picture here or there, but she wouldn’t actually set eyes, or hands, on him for almost twenty years. It was the longest wait of her life.

I Miss You

My heart misses yours.

I lie down at night and I think about you:

your smile,

your eyes,

your smart ass remarks,

your declarations of love,

your growls for one more…

I am blanketed in the memories of me and you.

I love you so truly, so completely, so intensely.

There is much I long to say to you.

I want to pour my love all over you and wrap you up in my naked limbs.

I want to love your body til it is spent, then caress it and let it rest until it craves me again.

I want to feed you my love and let my body quench your thirst.

I want to give you everything, lover.

I love you always and forever.

The First Goodbye

She had been writing her feelings, her thoughts and her heart, her whole life. And he was no exception. For awhile, she had kept and hidden a journal telling their story. She can’t remember now what became of that journal, but she did find this entry in her book of poetry and prose years later…

July 12, 1995

I should not be writing this.
You mustn’t know I feel this way.
Yet it’s distressing NOT to tell you.
How I long for you, ache for you.
Just the mere thought of you,
And my heart races until I am breathless.

I lay my head against your bare chest.
In your capable arms, I am warm and safe.
I think about all I desire to share with you:
Having you, holding you, pleasing you,
Loving you, you loving me; ALWAYS.

You stir up the passion that lies deep within me.
You bring me to the edge of ecstasy.
There is nowhere I can run from you.
The sweet terror of falling is before me. Every sense heightens. Every muscle tenses.
Every nerve, every inch of my body, Screams for your touch.

No one else can quench this thirst.
There is none who can extinguish the flames.
Nothing can feed this ravenous hunger. Sleep refuses to come,
As visions of you torment my nights.

You intrude on my private thoughts,
The same way you penetrate my core;
I let you inside of me, consummately.
In my mind, we are perfection together:
One motion, one groove, one flow.

My body, heart, and soul are completely satisfied,
Whenever I’m with you.
I want to stay in this place forever with you.
But how can I? Is it even real?

Suddenly, I begin to rouse.
No! Don’t let me wake up!
I need to stay here with you, baby!
Embraced, desired, beloved.
But the day dawns, and I must rise.
I must leave you behind.

This love I feel is ardently strong.
I wish on every star for you to feel the same.
I weep for this is all just a dream,
The fantasy of a silly, love-struck girl.
It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
In my dreams it’s more real than anything;
But in reality, it’s only in my dreams.

 

She truly loved him, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit what she felt. She couldn’t risk losing everything and everyone. He still hadn’t made any indication that he was serious about her. But he kept coming around all summer.

Fall came, and she moved into a new place. She loved having him over, loved being in his arms. She always felt so safe in his embrace. A couple of his friends were let in on the secret, though she had told no one. A lot had gone on with her friends recently. Including some events which had very serious repercussions for him as a father. No one would tell him what really happened. She was the only one who believed he needed to know the truth. And so, when he asked her, she supplied it. When her friends found out, she was mocked and called weak for doing so. But she knew it had been the right thing to do. Her friends had begun turning on her, and he still hadn’t said a word to her about how he felt.

She decided to tell him she was leaving. She would tell him about a guy she had known awhile and that he was interested in her. Wanted to openly date her. It wasn’t entirely true, but she needed an excuse to see if he would try to stop her. Much to her dismay, he didn’t. He just resigned himself to it, and wished her luck. In that moment she believed he had never loved her. It was all in her imagination.

They had one more night together before she left. She hadn’t seen him in weeks and he called out of the blue asking if he could come by her place. Seeing him was going to be difficult, even more so if he worked his magic on her. So she told him if he came over they wouldn’t be having sex. He said that was fine, he just needed a place to stay for the night. So she agreed.

When he came over, they ate and started a movie. She excused herself saying she needed to take a bath. She soaked herself in vanilla-scented bubbles and shaved carefully. She got out and dried herself off. She put on some black lingerie she had saved for a special occasion. Goodbye was certainly special. She slipped into a pair of black heels and a robe, which she left untied.

As she came around the corner into the living room, she asked him if he was ready. He looked up and smiled.

“Thought you said no sex?”

“Who says this is about sex?”

She turned off the TV and turned on the CD player. The notes to Prince’s ‘Do Me, Baby’ filled the room and she began to dance for him. She slid the robe off her shoulders and did some grinding in front of him. Much to her surprise he kept his hands to himself and simply watched her.

She kept going, dancing, grinding, touching herself, watching his eyes closely. He may not have been touching her, but his eyes and the newly formed peak in his drawers told her how much he wanted her.

She sat down on his lap, straddling him. She could feel how hard he was beneath the satin against her lips. She let her body move against him. The next song was playing, more uptempo, but she was rolling her hips, slowly, deliberately against him, and he was loving it. She could see it all over his face.

She worked his pants open and slid herself onto him. He felt like home. She was only a few thrusts into it when he came without any warning. She stopped moving and looked at him.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m tired. I just want to get some sleep.”

She was more hurt than she let him know. She tried to play the tough girl. “How you just gonna nut like that and not wait for me?!”

He simply shrugged.

She stood up, sliding off him. She smacked him with the strap to her robe. She hadn’t meant to hit him in the eye, but she did.

Didn’t he feel what she felt? How could he not see how good they were together? Why did he insist on playing it so cool?

Whatever he felt or thought at that time would remain a mystery to her for two decades. She assumed he was just that kind of guy, trusting no one with who he genuinely was.

It would be more than twenty years before she would finally know him, intimately, and he would bare all to her. Twenty plus years before they realized they had been soulmates all along. So much in common, so much connection, so much chemistry. They simply discovered it too late…

 

Breathe, Baby Girl

You reminded me to breathe,
Full and deep.
I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath,
But you knew.
And you’d say,
“Baby Girl, I need you to breathe.”

Loving you and being loved by you,
Was breathtaking in every way.

I lie here, gasping for air.
You forgot to remind me;
You don’t need me to breathe anymore.
I’m suffocating,
I’m drowning,
You took my breath away.

Image of Skylar Grey, I Need a Doctor