He Knows

The fucked up thing is,

He thinks she gave up on him.

He thinks she just let go.

But how could she?

He is the love of her life.

The One man for whom she was made.

She just couldn’t bear the pain.

There were more hearts at stake than her own.

She couldn’t keep hurting people.

She couldn’t stand that she was hurting him.

Hurting so badly, he asked her to block him from everything she writes!

She did it, but only because he asked her to.

And it broke her fucking heart.

She still doesn’t understand what happened.

She doesn’t know where to go or what to do next.

She knows she is his though.

She always has been.

She always will be.

He knows it too.

He has to know it.

And if he doesn’t know it,

If down in his soul he doesn’t know that she will never abandon all hope,

Then she didn’t do a very good job loving him.

 

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Dreaming Isn’t the Same

She still dreams about him at night.

Not like she used to.

She used to dream he would show up, knock on her door and tell her he was finally all hers.

He would come inside and they would make love all night long, falling asleep in each other’s arms. They would awaken together, have breakfast and coffee in bed, and make love all over again.

Her dreams are different now. They’re more like nightmares. He is laughing. Not with her like he used to, but at her. She overhears him telling people he never loved her. She was just a toy.

She wakes up from this dream in a cold sweat, and she is afraid to go back to sleep.

So she lies there in bed, going over their last encounter in her mind again and again. She watches the videos he sent her reminding herself it was real. He really did love her; he still does.

But she is broken. She can’t figure out how to put the pieces back together. It’s like they don’t fit without him.

Given time, perhaps they will fit once more. She hopes they will. She just doesn’t know how to move forward without his voice reassuring her.

She misses him, awake or asleep. If only her heart would allow her a reprieve, she might be able to pull herself together enough to go on.

Maybe one day, the good dreams will again return and she will rest easy. Maybe one day, they’ll even come true.

Why live life from dream to dream,
And dread the day when dreaming ends?

-Satine

Lost

She is at a loss.

Lost hope.

Lost love.

Lost the one thing…

Oh, it doesn’t matter, does it?

We all lose things in life.

Circumstance, luck, fortune, god, the Universe;

They take things from us.

With no concern for what we want,

What we need,

What we love.

Outside forces aren’t the only cause either.

Our own choices can do it, too.

How much had she lost?

It can’t be quantified,

But it feels a lot like everything.

 

 

 

A Time to Cry

There aren’t enough times to cry.

Shower, bed, sometimes car.

The rest of the times,

She has to be strong.

She has to put on a brave face,

And smile.

She has been hiding for so long now,

She should be used to it.

But she’s not.

There is so much pain built up,

So much devastation at losing him,

Losing him like this.

She wants to cry openly and honestly,

And let the world know,

She’s not overreacting to whatever

Scenario she has made up.

She wants to tell the world,

This is the deepest, toughest, most agonizing pain

She has ever known,

Because it is the truest, most intense, most genuine love

She has ever lived.

She can’t tell the world of this love or this anguish.

She can’t even tell him anymore.

She suffers alone. Miserable and alone.

Wanting him to rescue her,

To wipe away her tears,

To make it right,

In spite of everything.

No Matter What

No matter what, she will always love him.

No matter what, he will always be exceptional.

No matter what, she will always quiver at the sound of his voice.

No matter what, he will always be her inspiration.

No matter what, she will always lose her panties at the sight of his smile.

No matter what, he will always be her love of a lifetime.

No matter what, she will always want him.

No matter what, he will always be home.

No matter what, she will always love the taste of his lips more than fine cuisine.

No matter what, he will always make her laugh.

No matter what, she will always remember the way he smelled like a man.

No matter what, he will always be the most real person in her life.

No matter what, she will always adore him.

No matter what, he will always turn her on.

No matter what, she will always be his.

No matter what, he will always be the other half of her soul.

No matter what, she will always love him.

 

image by Steve K Art “Moonlight in Her Hair”

It Hurts

My heart cannot take it.

A punch to the chest.

No air.

No inhale, no exhale.

Am I even alive?

He was supposed to be the one.

He said I was his.

His world, his love, his everything, his angel.

He said he would never stop fighting for me.

He said forever and always.

He said he would never let go.

He said a lot of things…

They echo through my head;

Driving me mad;

Mocking me.

My heart burns.

Clamped in a vice;

Fighting to live, to hope,

To find a way to keep beating.

His name is the rhythm

I hear in my ears.

His smile is the sight

I look most forward to seeing.

His eyes tell me everything,

And his arms…

His arms are my home.

I cannot bear what I feel.

The pain is substantial.

It is crushing.

I am destroyed.

 

image by Steve K Art “If I Die in Your Arms Tonight”

 

The Line

She knew she could no longer ask him to do what needed to be done in order for them to be together. She never should have asked him at all. She crossed the line when she did. And once she crossed that line, it was impossible to go back.

It became increasingly difficult to live with herself knowing what she wanted him to do for her. She could not continue to hurt him, or those he loved for her own gain.

She felt like she was being torn in two: the part of her that wanted him at any cost, and the part of her that knew it was wrong to want that. The whole situation was destroying her.

Ultimately, her conscience got the best of her and cost her the man she loved most in all of time and space.

With every breath she takes, she wishes she could have hope for the one day he always promised her, but that hope would mean hoping things don’t work out for him. That hope would mean people still get hurt so she can have all that she wants.

That kind of hope would make her a horrible, selfish person. It would make her evil. He always told her she wasn’t an evil person. She couldn’t let him down. Not again. She loves him far too much to want anything but his happiness in life, even if it is not with her.