Two Years Later…

Her heart felt like lead. She couldn’t breathe. She didn’t eat much and when she did, her body would not let it stay.

 

After countless times spent together, after hundreds of hours on the phone, after multiple conversations about their ill-fated love affair, she finally had to stop.

 

He was the love of her life, but he was not hers alone, and she couldn’t live with it anymore. She sobbed into the phone and told him, she would love him forever. She said, “later” because “good-bye” was something they had promised each other they would never say, but she could not bring herself to hang up, and he wasn’t ending the call either.

 

Neither of them wanted to let go. But they absolutely had to stop what they were doing. They were both getting hurt over and over, and they couldn’t keep doing that to each other.

 

He remained strong, for her he said, but she could tell he was breaking, too.

 

“I can’t hang up on you. I can’t,” she wept.

 

“You’re not hanging up on me, baby.”

 

“I love you. I am always going to love you. You have my whole heart,” she said the words as the tears choked her.

 

His voice cracked a little. “And you have mine.”

 

“We’ll hang up at the same time, ok?”

 

After a few more tearful moments and failed attempts to press “end,” she somehow managed to hang up the phone. But she had to say it one more time. She texted him:

 

“I know you probably turned the phone off already, but I just need you to know: I LOVE YOU. I ADORE YOU. I RESPECT AND ADMIRE YOU. You are the man of my dreams and the love of my life. I will love you always and forever.”

 

She hit “send” believing it was a message he would never receive. But in the next minute her phone rang.

 

He was sobbing.

 

“I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry. I just need you to know I love you.”

 

“Baby, I’m sorry! I love you too.” She put her head down on her desk and cried harder.

 

“I’m sorry. I’mma love you til the day I die.”

 

She could feel his broken heart in every syllable.

 

“Baby, don’t apologize, please. I love you so fucking much.”

 

She couldn’t remember how they ended the call that time, but she knew there was still no “good-bye.”

 

She tried calling a couple couple hours later, but the phone was off. He was gone. Gone from her life.

 

She sat and cried, wondering what kind of a life she would have without him in it. She wondered how much heartbreak one could endure before it physically killed you. She wondered if she would ever see his face again. She wondered if she had done the right thing. She wondered if she had lost him forever, or if one day, he would find her again.

 

She didn’t understand how the universe could be so cruel as to bring them back to each other under the circumstances. She didn’t understand how the heartache she felt now would ever cease. She didn’t understand why he had let her go. Again.

 

She did not know how she would go on living. She did not know what she would do to move on. She did not know anything with any certainty anymore. Except for one thing: He was the only one for her. No matter what happened in life, her heart would always belong to him.

Not Now, Not Ever

He had never been hers. Not once in her life. She gave him everything she had, her whole self, and he gave her his heart, but he couldn’t give her anything more. Or maybe he wouldn’t. She didn’t know the difference anymore.

All she knew was that she wanted him, all of him, all of the time and that wasn’t going to happen. Not now, and though he would say “one day,” she knew in her heart, not ever.

And her heart! Accepting this truth left her heart feeling irreparable, strangled, tortured, dead. It ached so dreadfully, she didn’t know how it continued to pump blood through her veins. It was physically agonizing inside her chest. The hurt was consuming her, and her poor heart begged for respite.

So she ate, she drank, she abstained, she slept, she exercised, she cried, she checked out, but nothing made it stop. Not for long. At times, the ache would temporarily subside. She would smile and laugh on occasion, but the pain would come back more fiercely every time she remembered she couldn’t share life with him, couldn’t have him exist as a part of her world.

She tried as hard as she could to live in her fantasies, in the pretend world she had created for them, but it was to no avail. Reality crushed her. He would never be hers. Not now, not ever. He never had been. And she had no one to blame but herself for thinking otherwise.

image by Steve K art

Breathe, Baby Girl

You reminded me to breathe,
Full and deep.
I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath,
But you knew.
And you’d say,
“Baby Girl, I need you to breathe.”

Loving you and being loved by you,
Was breathtaking in every way.

I lie here, gasping for air.
You forgot to remind me;
You don’t need me to breathe anymore.
I’m suffocating,
I’m drowning,
You took my breath away.

Image of Skylar Grey, I Need a Doctor

No More

I can no longer bear the weight of this broken heart;
This obstinate mistress, who insists upon loving you.
Fast or slow, your name was the rhythm she beat,
And there was love and passion and fire unfathomable…
You were the lifeblood she drank.

 

Now you are gone, she is barely able to drum up an existence.
Her pulse is an erratic and desperate murmur.
She churns and burns and soaks my pillow in torrential tears
And infinite torment, until she decides to beat no more…
May that day come swiftly.

A Story to Tell

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things:
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

~Shakespeare

 

Perhaps…

 

I will go back and tell the story of this love affair. I will flesh it out and share the endless pages written for you, about you, and to you, with this big, wide world. I will write of the pain and the heartache, as well as the times love felt more luminous than moonlight, more golden than the sun, and richer than the earth beneath our feet.

 

Love so big and eternal, it seemed as though it would reach well beyond infinity. I will tell of believing in a soulmate for the first time ever, and having no doubt two people could actually be made for each other. How perfectly two people understood each other, appreciated each other’s differences and sameness, and how the sex was like a hand in a custom-made glove. I will tell this love story in the weeks ahead, but before I do, I will spoil the ending.

 

I will tell you now that there will come a moment when the air is stolen from the lungs, the heart is ripped from the chest, the soul is strangled, mangled, and left to wither, my legs were knocked out from underneath me, and now I am nothing more than a heap of bone and flesh in a puddle of salt water tears and devastation.

 

I will spoil the ending because I don’t want anyone to go into this story with the hope that it will have a happy ending. I don’t want to mislead anyone. It is not a love story, or a romantic comedy, though all those moments happened. It is an epic tragedy. A soul crushing experience, that will either make you laugh or cry at the absurdity of the players who thought they could act out this fantasy and make it last forever.

 

So while you may know how this love story ends, it is just the beginning of the tale…

 

Image by inthelaurels on Deviant Art