His Kisses

She can’t stop thinking about his kisses.

After 20 years, she honestly didn’t remember what his kisses felt like. She couldn’t remember the taste and softness of his lips. But I wanted to be reminded that day.

He hugged her, held her, but when he squeezed a handful of her ass, she knew she had to take her shot.

He pulled his head back from her shoulder and tried to turn, but she held his chin and brought her mouth to his.

He tasted amazing. His lips were unbelievably tender. And she suddenly remembered every kiss she had ever shared with him.

He wasted no time, touching her lips with his tongue. So gently, so perfectly. The way he kissed her back was electrifying, and she knew she was alive. Just like when he had moved her off the curb the week before.

And now? She couldn’t forget his kisses if she tried. The way his lips caress, the way his tongue flicks, the intoxicating taste and smell of him. She drinks his kisses in like a liquor, and forgets the world around her.

She could spend hours tracing his luscious lips with her fingers, her tongue, her toes, her lips… She wants to feel those lips on every inch of her. She can’t stop thinking about it. She can’t stop thinking about him.

She misses his kisses. They make her feel like a damned capable woman.

She misses his kisses. They make her feel sexy and irresistible.

She misses his kisses. They are a whole world of ecstasy, and only his kisses have ever made her orgasm without any other stimulation.

She is so glad she kissed him that day. Even if she never got to kiss him again, she knows every kiss they have shared until now will be with her for the rest of her life.

She will never forget those kisses again. They are the only ones she can even remember anymore.

 

image by Steve K Art

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All of It

A little over a year ago…

She loves him with all her heart.

It’s not very eloquent, nor is it an original sentiment, but it’s ever so true. It’s how she feels any given moment of the day.

The way her heart aches in his absence and swells in his presence.

The way it skips a beat when he says her name and beats out a rhythm that says his name.

The way it feels as though her heart will burst when she is wrapped up with him, yet it feels like a vice grip squeezing the life out when he goes.

Her heart is so far gone, she doesn’t know that she’ll ever find it again. But she does know he will keep it safe and cherish it, so lost in him is not without hope.

Yes, it’s been said before; by many a person she is certain, but she sincerely doubts anyone else’s heart could love him like hers does.

Eight Months Ago

She didn’t know why she was still sending him messages. Technically, it was only the third one.

She missed him fiercely. She missed her best friend. She missed the love of her life.

She went through and started re-reading the things she wrote for him, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, he was the one she was made for. No one will ever be him. EVER. She will not be able to love or be loved the way she did and was with and by him.

She is wrecked without him. She goes to bed every night, hoping tomorrow will be the day he calls her, but he doesn’t call, and she dies a little bit inside.

She doesn’t know what to do without him… he is everything to her. She can’t function without him. She is falling apart, losing her grip, giving up. She just can’t…

She knows she has to stop. She has to let go. He left. He said goodbye. She just doesn’t know how she is supposed to let go. Genuinely.

She thinks about him every second of every day. She thinks about him at work, at the store, on the road, when she’s in bed, the shower…it will always be HIM. He will always be the only one for her.

She is sorry. She is so very sorry for all the trouble they caused. She wishes she could take it back, just so he would be ok. She would rather have never had a second chance with him than to lose him like this.

To know people got hurt, and her heart was not the only one at stake is enough to drive her insane. But to have caused him hurt… She doesn’t know how to live with herself. She is indescribably sorry.

She will always love him. Always and forever. She loves him completely. Infinitely. She told him she will stop sending him messages now. Especially since she is certain he isn’t getting them.

She is only taking the chance beacuse she wants him to know, she is here. She will always be here, if he ever needs her. He possesses her heart. He always has.

42 Reasons

It’s not an all-inclusive list, it’s just the first 42 reasons that come to mind.

1-He knows everything about her and he loves her anyway.

2-He has never tried to shape her into who he would like her to be.

3-The connection and the chemistry between them is soul deep, it’s spiritual, it’s next level.

4-He is everything she ever wanted in a man.

5-He is intelligent

6-He is wise.

7-He is the handsomest man she has ever laid eyes on.

8-His smile turns her world upside down and fills her with joy. (And also gets her panties off…)

9-He is kind.

10-He is gracious.

11-He is patient.

12-The way he growls, “You’re all mine,” when she is climaxing.

13-He is courageous.

14- He knows to handle shit when life gets rough and he lets nothing overwhelm him.

15-He is ambitious.

16-He is always growing and evolving.

17-He works incredibly hard to take care of everyone else.

18-He is strong.

19-The way he loves her toes.

20-He is good-humored and so much fun.

21-He fucks her silly.

22-The way he twitches and aftershocks when he climaxes.

23-His laughter is the most contagious and natural thing, bringing her out of any funk she is in.

24-He is so seductive, so very irresistible.

25-He is so perfectly capable with her clitoris. He never ignores it.

26-He encourages her to be herself and believe in herself.

27-He knows she can stand on her own two feet, and yet he balances that independence with protectiveness and safety.

28-He brings out the absolute best in her in every way. She is a better woman not because he tells or forces her to be, but because he makes her want to be the best and most real version of herself.

29-He understands her.

30-He never shames or makes fun of her.

31-The way he says, “You hear her talking to me?”

32-The way he trusts her.

33-The way she trusts him.

34-He always asks for one more.

35-He never gives up on her.

36-His arms: the safest place she knows.

37-He doesn’t let her apologize for shit she hasn’t even done wrong.

38-He is creative, coming up with ideas for his future and spitting lyrics and rhymes off the cuff.

39-He inspires her. She wants to do and be better.

40-He calls her by a name no one else can.

41-He is the most sensational kisser!

42-He is EXCEPTIONAL. There is no one like him.

Take Me to the River

He agreed to meet her again. They had seen each other once a week for the past month or so. That Monday was no exception, despite what had happened the Thursday before: She had told him she couldn’t do it anymore.

She knew what they were doing was dangerous and wrong. There was so much at stake. Her heart was bursting to be with him and only him, but it wasn’t that simple, for either of them.

They had both cried over the phone on Thursday afternoon. It was so hard to hear him cry. It was a sound she had never heard from him before. He was the strongest person she knew and it tore her up inside to hear him hurting like that.

He agreed to see her on his next day off so they could talk and figure the whole thing out. And so, she waited for Monday.

She decided to take him to the river. They could walk down there together, alone and say the things that needed to be said.

They walked along the trail in the shade, holding hands and stealing kisses. They looked out over the water together and just breathed. It was a perfect moment; one she still cherishes to this day.

There was an older, grey-haired couple on the trail. The friendly couple smiled and said hello. Everyone commented on what a beautiful day it was. The older couple asked them where they were from. They answered and though they each said they were from different places, she felt like they were a real couple in that moment.

They continued walking in the opposite direction from the other couple. She looked back at them and imagined what it would be like to be grey-haired and old, holding his hand and walking by the river forever. They stopped and stood on some rocks looking at each other.

“What is it that you want?” She stared down at the ground, afraid of what his answer would be.

He placed both of his hands on the sides of her face and tilted her chin up to look him in the eyes. She felt herself open up to him in that moment. She let him look into her to gaze upon her very soul.

He looked hard into her eyes, and she saw his soul open to her as he earnestly said, “I want you. I want all of you.”

She melted in that moment. Those words were music and poetry and fire and rain. Her heart soared. But only for a moment. His next words, she would work to forget for the rest of her life, “But I know my situation.”

She refused to hear that second part. She fixated on the first part. He wanted all of her. She was determined to give him everything, no matter what.

It was foolish and dangerous and it would break her heart again and again, but she loved him beyond reason and explanation. What she saw in his eyes that day made her believe there was no way they would not find a way to be together. Not with the way he saw into her and allowed her to see into him.

They decided they would not end things that day. They agreed they would figure it out, somehow.

She told herself someday, one day. It would happen, they would be together. Even though that was not what he had promised her that day, he said it many times later on. “One day… someday… I will be with you before I die…”

She believed him, and she held on forever to that hope and they way he looked into her eyes that day, down by the river.

That Day at the Park

Everyone gathered at the park for a birthday celebration one unusually hot Saturday in May. There was BBQ and food and cake, and everyone she knew was there. Of course the One was there.

He had just gotten his hair done. From tight fade to finger waves. She teased him incessantly, calling him “Big Red” from The Five Heartbeats all afternoon. There were plenty of reasons why she couldn’t get him alone that day, but she wanted to, desperately. He was so handsome, and she was having fun just making him smile.

She wandered around visited with folks, pushed the birthday kid on the swings, played with his cousin’s dog (until she was scolded for making the dog soft), and when the heat became unbearable, she poured some water over her head.

He must have seen her do it, because he joked that this was a kid’s party and she should save that shit for the club.

“You know you want some,” she smiled devilishly at him.

She still swears he dared her with his eyes to do it. Not one to back down from a challenge, she sauntered up to him and threw a cup of water at his chest.

”Muthafucka!” He gasped at the cold, as a playful smile spread across his face.

She received a few disapproving glances from guests, and she was certain things were whispered about her, but she didn’t care. He made her feel silly and free and fun! Who cares what they thought? This was about their chemistry together, and for the first time, he didn’t seem to be hiding it.

He fought her for the cup in her hands, winning of course, and he walked slowly over to a cooler to scoop up some ice. She laughed heartily and jogged away, believing he wouldn’t actually chase after in front of all these people if she ran.

She was right, he didn’t chase her. But he did get her. He was a patient man, in no hurry to pay her back. He waited til she was most distracted, and least expected it, to exact his revenge.

They had just sung happy birthday and passed out cake when suddenly she felt the freezing cup of partially melted ice and water being poured down her back.

“Oh shit! That’s fucking freezing!” She yelled as she turned to face him.

She was not as patient as he was. She didn’t have water or anything to drink in her hands or nearby. But she did have cake. And before she knew what she was doing, she took it and smashed it into his head rubbing it into his brand new finger waves.

She was in big trouble now. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t hit her back with the cake in his own hands. He simply smiled a mysterious looking grin at her and walked away.

On the way home, she was chastised hard by her friends. People were really talking about her now. They said everything from how immature she was to how pissed he must be at her for ruining the party to how much money she probably cost him for that hairstyle.

For the first time all day she didn’t smile. She rode back in silence as she wondered if he was actually mad at her. She thought they were both having fun. She knew it might be a bit too childishly flirtatious in public, but she was having such a good time with him that she didn’t care.

Her head hung as she walked through door that evening. She slowly walked upstairs to the studio room where she stayed in the converted Tudor-style home down the road from the lake. By the time she unlocked her door, she had convinced herself she would never be seeing him again.

She sighed as she put her keys on the table, took off her shoes, and started gathering her things to head down the hall to the shower.

I really fucked up, she thought to herself, just before the blinking light on the answering machine caught her eye. Even though her arms were full of her towels and shower items, she decided to press play on the machine before heading down the hall.

Two long beeps of the same tone were the only message. (His code just in case anyone was over when she checked her messages.) He was coming over! The strange melancholy in her stomach immediately disappeared.

She smiled ear to ear and picked her head up, as she hurried down the hall to the bathroom to freshen up for the night in.

Breakfast in Bed

She rolled over and smiled at the sight of him. His eyes were closed, his breathing was slow and deep, and his freckles beckoned her to kiss them as he slept.

She inched closer to him, pressing her naked body against his. She threw one leg over his, and an arm around his neck. She still remembered his words from the night before: “Don’t put your arms around me unless you love me.”

She held onto his neck as she leaned forward and softly began to pepper his nose with tiny kisses. Every freckle. I want to kiss every one of them.

His skin was soft. He smelled musky and warm. She was falling for him so completely.

He began to stir under her lips, so she kissed his mouth, coaxing his whole body awake. He grinned a mischievous grin, and with his eyes still closed he mumbled, “Good morning.”

”Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

He nodded, still grinning like he was up to something. His eyes opened suddenly, and in one swift movement he had her on her back, his knees pushing her legs apart. She didn’t resist him.

He slid into her easily, and she eagerly wrapped her legs around him. She threw her arms around him and greedily kissed his neck and shoulders. She was definitely in love with this man. She knew it even before they climaxed together.

They laid there spent for a few minutes, just breathing and holding each other. She listened to his heart rate go from racing to steady, and she inhaled the intoxicating scent of their love that still hung in the air.

She sat up and asked him if he was hungry. He said he was starving. She kissed him once more as she climbed out of bed. After a quick freshen up, she threw on her robe and got started in the kitchen.

She had always enjoyed cooking, but she had never really had anyone to cook for before him. She scrambled some eggs and fried up a beef smoked sausage. She sliced some fruit and poured two glasses of milk.

They laid in bed and lazily ate their breakfast, laughing, chatting, feeding each other, and stealing kisses in between. It was absolute heaven. She didn’t want him to ever leave.

She stared at him, wondering what the fuck she was going to do. She wanted to tell the whole planet she was in love with this man. Such a connection shouldn’t be kept a secret. But there was the problem: she couldn’t tell a soul. Couldn’t step out with him. Couldn’t be together the way she wanted to.

She tried not to seem sad as she cleaned up the dishes, and walked him to the door. She kissed him goodbye. A tender, but passionate kiss, as she tried to hide her true feelings from him.

He paused there for a minute, like he was waiting for her to say something. He looked into her face like he was searching her inner most heart. She threw him a sweet smile to distract him, and told him to page her later.

For a brief second, he looked disappointed. Like she hadn’t said what he was hoping she would. But the look was gone in a flash. Had it really been there? Or had she imagined it? He quickly kissed her again, and grinned as he said he would page her later, then he walked to his car.

As she watched him walk away, she realized she was watching her heart go with him.