Never Can Say Goodbye

July 23, 2015

She told him, “You know, you never even had to say nice things to me, or tell me you love me, I would have kissed you anyway.” He knew it was true.

She noticed everything he did that first day. As soon as she saw him arrive, she was nervous. He seemed pleasantly surprised to see her when he came around that corner and gave her that friendly hug before going inside. It wasn’t until they came outside again that she felt herself awakening.

As they talked, her grabbed her by the arms and pulled on her. She didn’t know what he was doing and she didn’t care, she instantly loved it. She instantly remembered she loved HIM.

Damn! He was talking to her! He was touching her! He was being absolutely adorable, making sure he was taller than her when he switched places with her on the curb. She knew right then she still had every feeling for him.

He knows the rest of the story, the rest of that day: flirting with her by messing with car doors, coming around asking about her and her family. Her wishing he would follow her away from the crowd and be alone with her… She inexplicably wanted him so badly!

All that story retelling to say this: This is not some temporary feeling, this is what he does to her. What they have together is one of a kind, and they are NOT DONE. They are not even close to over.

They had their first moment of real, “What the fuck are we doing?!” clarity the day before. Their openness and honesty was terribly painful for them both, but it served a purpose. She heard the real him; the him she loves. The him she ardently hoped would always be genuine with her.

And he heard the real her; the her who cannot lie to him, even a lie by omission. She wants to tell him everything, because she wants him to know ALL of her. She believes he feels the same way.

Every tear she shed that day was for them. The them she longs for, the them that might have been, that might still be.

He is what occupies her thoughts. More specifically, how much she misses him does. She wants him always. To hear his voice, hear him say her name, hear him call her baby, and whisper that he loves her so no one else hears it.

She wants to always see his smile. The smiles he gives her are perfection. She wants to forever look into his eyes and get lost in their cocoa depths.

She wants to lose herself in him, and miraculously find herself there.

She wants to spend forever kissing his every freckle. She wants to kiss him everywhere, every inch, over and over again.

She wants to hold him in her arms and be held by him.

She wants to lay her head on his chest, and hear his heart beat for her.

She wants, she wants, she wants. It all sounds so selfish. But she is madly in love with him. “Head over heels,” as he said to her.

She is not done seeing him. She is not done kissing him. She is not done making love to him. She’s just not.

He can stop anytime he would like, but she cannot. She is his. Full on in love, perfect for this man, soulmates.

She loves him. She ADORES him. And she is not letting him go. EVER.

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Nice and Sincere

He asked her, “Why are you so nice to me?”

Well, first off, she likes to think she’s a nice person who treats people kindly, unless the fuck her over or are just a dick. But that’s not the whole answer.

In the time since they have become reacquainted, he has proven to be a true friend to her. He talks to her any time he is able. He forgives her panicked, emotional, ridiculous, insecure moments. He encourages her to be the strong, fabulous, beautiful woman she is, because for some reason, he sees it in her even when she doesn’t see it in herself. He has shown her a positive outlook on life is possible, even in some really shitty situations. He’s helped her rise above many of those situations as well.

But aside from all that he does for her, she sees all the amazing qualities he possesses; good and admirable qualities, which she outlined in great detail a few pages back.

She doesn’t know why she’s nice to him, except the simplest reason of all: BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM.

Her feelings for him from all the years ago laid dormant for so long, she forgot them. But that day, he touched her, it all came rushing back to her, and she hasn’t been able to turn them off since. When she loves, she loves with all of her. Jane Austen said:

There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends, I have no notions of loving people by halves, it is not in my nature.

That is something that is 100% true about her. She’s fairly sure he knows it too. She believes it’s called, “wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve.”

As to his question, “How do you know I’m a nice (or was it a good) person?” She supposes it’s got a lot to do with what she mentioned about his admirable qualities previously. But, to some extent, she inexplicably feels like she knows him.

Years may have passed, but his heart is still something she sees as being in the right place, even if mistakes are sometimes made along the way. The guy who wanted to take her schmobbin’ in his ride to cheer her up when she was seventeen and heartbroken, is the same guy who says he’s not going anywhere and wants to make sure she is taken care of. And he says and does it so sincerely.

I want to be remembered as someone who was sincere. Even if I made mistakes, they were mistakes made in sincerity. If I was wrong, I was wrong in sincerity. I can deal with a person who was wrong as long as they were sincere. -Malcolm X

That’s him, in her opinion.  He has always been open, honest, and genuine with her. She respects him greatly for that.

Hopefully this helps him understand. She doesn’t just blow sunshine. He knows that. She very rarely sees the glass as half full like he does. He not only helps her look at things with a more positive spin, he exemplifies it in who he is at any given moment.

But hey, she’s been looking at the world and him through the rose-colored glasses of love, so what the fuck does she know?

Quality Counts

Twenty-seven months ago…

One day, he said a couple things that got her thinking. The first was when, in attempt to show her something about herself, he used a little mimicry to show her what she sounds like when she belittles herself. She hated hearing him say negative things about himself and it dawned on her that’s how he feels when she bad mouths herself.

Later, when she said, “I love you.” He challenged her to tell him something he doesn’t already know. So she thought to herself, What is so damned special about this man? Why do I love him like I do? And what doesn’t he know about my love for him?

Perhaps WHY she loves him is a good place to start. Some reasons are about what he does for her, how he cares for her, and how he makes her feel. Some reasons are about the magical chemistry they have together. Most of the reasons she loves him though, are about HIM. The man He is. So here goes…

He is EXCEPTIONAL. The last time she said that to him, he said he wanted to be more than that. Maybe he doesn’t understand what she means exactly. The definition of the word exceptional is two-fold: 1-forming an exception or rare instance; unusual; extraordinary, and 2-unusually excellent; superior. He is truly an exception to what she is used to in people. She’ll break it down for him so he can see what she means.

His CHARACTER. His genuineness is a rare quality. He says what he means and he means what he says. While that sounds like should be a given,she can safely say it is not. She’s spent a good chunk of her life working with people, and most of them are full shit, saying anything to get ahead or get their way. He’s not like that.

His SENSE OF HUMOR. He loves to laugh! His laughter comes easily and lightens the atmosphere around him. It is highly contagious and makes her feel so much joy and puts her heart and the moods others at ease. As Nicholas Chamfort once said, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” He has no problem finding a reason to laugh or to cause her to do so.

His ATTITUDE. While he is not a blind optimist, he does see the glass as half full, which makes a huge impact on the way he sees the world and the people around him. He believes in others and he sees the potential they are capable of, often times before even they do. You encourage and believe and you don’t give up, always seeing that glass as half-full, no matter what.

His WORK ETHIC. He is hard-working and damned good at whatever he sets his hand to do. He doesn’t slough off or pass the buck.  He leaves no one hanging in the lurch. He gets shit done and takes responsibility for his work as a matter of self-pride. In the best possible way.

His DETERMINATION. He is driven and dedicated to getting what he wants from life. He doesn’t allow doubt to cloud his judgment or discourage him. It’s an admirable quality yo set goals and keep moving forward until one achieves them. That is what she sees him do in all areas of his life.

His GENEROSITY. The ways he cares for his friends and family show he is gracious, compassionate, and encouraging. He is giving of his time and energy to those his loves and that is honorable. But he doesn’t allow anyone to take advantage of himself or his people. Generous, but wise.

His HEART <3. She knows he feels things. Deeply. She has been fortunate enough to experience it personally. Yet, he doesn’t let his emotions rule him. He understands the balance between love and logic. It is one few people can grasp or achieve.

His SEXUALITY. He… is a SUPERB lover! While this one could be considered more about her or even the both of them, she thinks it’s enough about him to make the list. He is an unselfish lover, yet he still knows exactly what he wants and isn’t afraid to share those feelings. She knows how good she feels when she’s with him, and it’s DAMNED GOOD. The chemistry they share is undeniable, and obviously, he is half of that.

His TOLERANCE/PATIENCE. He is always ready to forgive. He shows a tolerance for mistakes and understands we are all human and make them. The kind of compassionate forgiveness he shows is life-changing for the person it is bestowed upon. Not having to earn back favor and love after messing up is a beautiful thing!

She could go on and on, but the fact of the matter is, he’s unlike anyone she’s ever known in her life. While she may not have the clout to say this, and in no way does she mean this condescendingly, she is proud of him. She is proud of the man he is twenty years later. He has always been an inspiration and someone she admires. He makes her want to be the best version of herself because he believes in her. Just as she believes in him. And she loves that about him too!

 

 

 

 

Take Your Shot

Twenty-nine months ago…

Why take the risk?

Why get involved?

Why confess twenty years?

Why say you love me at all?

 

 

Is any of this real?

Do you mean what you say?

Did you not hear me warn you:

You should stay far away?

 

 

I don’t love in portions,

In halves, here or there.

I love with ALL of me,

So Lover, beware.

 

 

My emotions run deep,

They too often control me.

Though I try to check it,

My heart wants you only.

 

 

Something about us

Gets me twisted inside.

My soul is affected,

Not just between my thighs.

 

 

Some say it’s fake,

A dive in a liar’s pool,

A side piece for your ego;

You’re playin’ me for a fool.

 

 

I don’t listen to them,

Though their words do try.

But I actually KNOW you,

You’re just not that guy.

 

 

You listen, make me laugh,

You’re there when I need you.

You are honest and tender,

You’re real; I believe you.

 

 

I will love you always,

You are mine, though you’re not.

This is the real me, Baby;

I am Yours, take your shot.

Her Best Friend

19 Months Ago…

Her best friend is everything.

He is strength when she is weak.

He is her comfort when she has sorrows.

He is kind when the world is cruel.

He is understanding when she is having an off day.

He is discerning when she is naïve.

He is wise when she has yet to learn.

His laugh lets her know everything in life is good, even when it seems like things are falling apart.

His arms are the safest place to be when she needs somewhere (someone) to run to.

 

Despite all the ways that he is approachable, generous, and sweet, he is not to be trifled with; don’t get it twisted.

He is the kind of man that takes care of his own.

You hurt him or those he loves, and he will hurt you back.

No threats, no warnings, just putting it down, in his exceptional way.

 

He’s more than just her best friend though: He’s the love of her life.

For more than 20 years, he’s been the One She could never forget. The only One she ever regretted losing or letting go.

He is chocolaty eyes and panty-droppin smiles.

She both gets lost and somehow finds herself in him.

He is the One who fully knows her soul.

He is a part of her.

When he is not near her, she can feel him missing from her.

His touch is electric; his kisses reminding her she is alive.

He is the One her body was made for; she fits him like a glove.

He calls forth an unprecedented reaction in her body, and she gives him all of it. Every last drop.

 

He brings out everything in her that was ever intended to be.

Everything she ever tried to run or hide from.

Everything she has ever been too scared or too insecure to believe she could be, he sees in her.

He tells her she can do it all; that she can do anything. (He’s always right, too.)

He’s the truest friend she has ever known.

Her best friend is everything.

She loves him with all she is, always and forever.

 

The Monster in the Closet

18 months ago…

She has told him once, she has told him a million times, “I LOVE YOU.”

She loves him with a love that is deeper and more powerful than anything she has ever known.

She loves him in a way she thought existed only in fantasy and fiction, a way she had given up on before him.

She loves him with her whole being: her body, her heart, her soul.

She has always loved him. She will always love him, forever more.

He must know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this love they share is the most genuine and the most profound of their lives. It has been mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-changing!

It is completely unique. Every day, it is brand new in feeling. It is wild and free.

It is precious, like jewels and stars and the moon. It is all those luminescent things that catch the eye and mesmerize it.

It is personal, divine, and intimate. It is like life and death, heaven and hell, the beginning and the infinite.

There is an intensity and a passion in her that only he has ever brought forth. Her heart burns for him, every moment.

She cherishes every second they have shared. She has logged minutes, upon hours, upon days, upon months of thoughts and feelings, fantasies and wishes, memories and moments in the pages she has written.

She has told him everything there is to know about her and laid herself bare before him. Naked, literally and figuratively.

She has treasured every word he has spoken to her, pressing them to her breast and tucking them into her heart.

She has dreamt dreams and hoped hopes she only dared to imagine because he loved her. Impossible things seem possible with him. Maybe because he believes in her, and in them.

She will never regret him or forget him. The times they have shared endure eternally. She lets the memories of their entangled love wash over her and make her new.

In a million lifetimes, she would always be his. His Angel, his baby, the love of his life. And he will always be hers. No matter what.

Today…

That is what makes it all so difficult, so disheartening, so painful.

This kind of love is not designed to be part-time, kept a secret, or left waiting.

It is meant to be lived out together, all day, every day, as partners, lovers, and friends. It is supposed to be two people, all in. Giving everything. Down for anything. Any time. Any place. Always. Together Forever. Always.

Instead, what she experiences most are hurt and loneliness. It hurts constantly. Except for the all too brief moments she is with him. The rest of the time, she misses him fiercely, but tries to fake it for his sake.

He is going through so much, she doesn’t want to add to his list of pressures. She doesn’t want to be the source of his pain. She loves him more than anything. She longs to see him find healing and wholeness. He told her she is supposed to make him happy, and so she hides her true feelings away so they don’t disturb his happiness. But her pain is eating her alive.

It overtakes her when she is alone. Like a monster hiding in a child’s closet, waiting to strike until she is at her most vulnerable, it attacks her with questions and doubts and worries. She has no choice but to fight and cry and wrestle with her demons… alone.

She wonders if she will always have to go it alone. She wonders if she would be better off that way.

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Better Late Than Never

“There is someone here to see you.” The receptionist had a quizzical grin. “He didn’t give his real name.”

She couldn’t help but smirk a little. “Let me guess, he said his name is ‘Superman’?”

“Yep!” The receptionist giggled as she walked back to her desk.

She tried to hold back her excitement as she headed to the front. He came into the office?! No email saying, Meet me outside? He’s inside the building?! Her head was spinning.

She saw him as she came around the corner. Superman blue. Her heart melted.

She wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him all over his face, but two things immediately stopped her. One, she was at work and everyone was watching them and two, because she didn’t know the precise reason he was there, she didn’t want to get her hopes up, so she maintained her composure and gave him a simple side hug, trying not to let her shaking hands betray her.

She suggested they go back to her office to talk. As she walked him back to her office, she decided the conference room would be better for privacy.

She closed the door behind them and stared at him a moment. Her face broke into a smile and she hugged him for real, kissed him, and stared at him again.

“What are you doing here?” She was shaking as she asked the question.

“What do you think I’m doing here?”

“I’m afraid to say it, because I might be wrong.” She looked down at her feet.

He held her by the waist and repeated the question, “Why do you think I’m here?”

“You’re here because you’re leaving.” She whispered slowly and unsurely.

“Leaving what?”

“You’re here to tell me you’re going to be with me.” She looked down at her feet.

He lifted her chin and kissed her. “Don’t look down when you’re talking to me, baby. Always keep your head up.”

Then suddenly, he hugged her, tight as he could and whispered in her ear, “Yes. You’re all mine.”

She could hardly believe it. She wasn’t actually sure she did. If he hadn’t walked into the office itself, she would never have believed it, but there he was. So handsome. So sincere. And even… a little vulnerable.

“You don’t seem as excited as I thought you’d be,” he said disappointedly.

“I am excited. I’m just in a little bit of shock. I was not expecting this. I’m kind of freaking out, to be honest.” She looked at her feet again, then remembered his words and looked into his eyes. He was searching her face.

“I’m nervous and scared, too,” he confessed.

They stood there another moment or two. Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest. She wanted to hold him so badly. She wanted to run away from work and just be in his arms all day.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see one of the attorneys walking past. She knew she couldn’t express her excitement properly in there. She wanted to kiss him, really kiss him, they had to leave.

“Let’s go.”

He read her mind. “You gonna walk me out?”

“Of course.”

They stepped out into the hall. She gave him a real hug and a kiss. He walked behind her and put his arms around her, squeezing her midsection.

She felt giddy. She reached back and grabbed his hand. Was he really going to be all hers? This is what it would feel like all the time! She struggled to keep her feet on the ground.

They walked down the stairs together. He smacked her on the ass as they laughed. He was as excited as she was. As they got to the bottom of the stairs, she turned and threw her arms around him. She pressed her whole body against him as he kissed her. They kissed and kissed. She could have let him take her right there in the stairwell, and he nearly did.

She didn’t want to let him go, literally or figuratively. She held onto him and kept kissing him, stopping only when she heard the door upstairs open. They stepped apart briefly as a large man meandered down the stairs and said a compulsory hello. As soon as he was out of sight, she wrapped her arms around her man and kissed him harder. She desperately wanted him.

He grabbed her arms, and held her back a bit. It reminded her of that day at the memorial. “Baby, stop. You’re gonna cum,” he warned.

“I don’t care,” she breathed. She hopped up and wrapped both legs around him. He stopped her again, before it went too far. That was a good call, no matter how much she wanted him. She was at work and she needed to behave, even if all she wanted to do was misbehave with him.

They walked over to his car and talked a little while longer. She was still reeling from the news he told her. She was barely able to think clearly, as a couple of questions floated to the front of her mind. She asked them, slowly, one at a time, and he answered them, honestly. He made a request of her and she promised him she would honor it.

She kissed him once more before asking him with a wink if he wanted to stay for lunch and break in the new car. He reluctantly declined; she could see he was tempted.

She walked away in awe. This was really happening. He was really going to be hers. She could hardly contain her joy. She definitely couldn’t stop smiling. The man of her dreams was going to be hers and those dreams were coming true.

Wow.

She felt singing. She felt like dancing. She felt like she could flying. She felt like… She felt like she was finally whole.