Change

Today she poured out her heart, her soul, her fears, her hopes, and  her dreams to him, then she had a revelation:

He is too afraid of change to make the move to be with her. He is no coward, believe that. And fear of change isn’t cowardice, it’s human nature. But he will not disrupt his life or his family to be with her; the change is too much for him to bear.

Honestly, she can’t blame him. She probably would have felt the same if her husband hadn’t left. But in his leaving, she discovered how long and deep she had been miserable. It was soul crushing misery. It took her very identity from her and made her into someone she never thought she could be.

No one should have to live so unhappily. She realized that when he left, so rather than beg him to stay, to work it out, to see it through, she let him go, and began seeking her own happiness and her true self.

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Now she is in love with the man of her dreams, the man she has wanted her whole life, the man who is perfect for her and for whom she is perfect. Perfect in all ways, save one…

And so she must decide where to go from here, and she must do it on her own. She knows he will not help her decide. She fears he will not make a change. She knows her heart will never recover from that. She is terrified he will stay where he is, because it feels safer than the unknown; even if he is unhappy there.

She really has no more time to be unhappy these days; life is too precious and too short.

Yes, she loves him. Yes, she wants him. But she has to accept and believe that she does not need him. It will kill her if she thinks otherwise. She has to trust she can make it on her own even if she has no one to share her life with anymore or ever again. The thought scares her shitless, but she is stronger than she thinks, and she can do this alone. In fact, she already does.

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Dreams

She dreams she has her arms around him. Holding him tightly, like her life depends on being tangled up with him.

She hopes that the plans made in their yesterdays stand firm and come to fruition in their tomorrows.

She wishes she could look into his eyes right this minute, and see herself there. Place her lips on his and taste what love is.

She longs to have him now and forever, every day and every night, in her arms, in her bed, in her body.

She believes he is the only man who matches her soul, that he alone is her soulmate, her One.

She knows she seems impatient and impulsive, passionate and intense, but she just doesn’t know any other way to love him.

She wonders if this is all naïveté and if she has lost her mind to her obsession, her addiction to him.

She waits, longing for all she has dreamt of, waits for it to come to fruition, waits and dreams.

Heavenly Bodies

As their bodies entwine, everything they feel is spelled out, like tattoos on the skin.

Every comfort, every joy, every passion, the only things they wear when they are naked together are their hearts on their arms.

They are home to each other. Beautiful beyond anything or anyone else. There is safety and trust. There is gratitude and happiness. Exclusivity and pride in the other is in each touch of their skin on the other’s.

He is her One, her Only. And she is his. There isn’t any way around it. There is no denying it. There is nothing better than the connection they share and the chemistry they make together. Volatile in passion and eagerness, crucial but never critical.

They really are perfect for one another. It’s written on their skin, their hearts, in the stars, and on their souls.

One and the same.

Always.

Forever.

Infinitely.

Love eternally.

Lifetime Love

Her love for him is deep and unfathomable like the ocean.

It stretches to the limitless ends of the universe.

She can’t meausre or quantify it, but she feels it in every part of her. In every nerve, in every fiber, in every hair, in every atom, she feels him in her.

The blood that slowly courses through her veins to her heart keeps a rhythm that matches his steady breathing when she lays her head on his chest.

And her heart…beats the two syllables over and over again, whether fast or slow.

He is a part of her. Their lives, their hearts, their souls, are made of the same things, they are intertwined, beyond connection, they are symbiotic.

He is more than the love of her life, he is the love of all the lives she has ever lived. All the lives she ever will.

Not Just Any Man

She wants a man to love her.

She wants a man with whom to share a home.

She wants a man with whom she can go places and do things.

She wants a man to sleep with her at night.

She wants a man to make love to her anytime they desire.

She wants a man who is hers and no one else’s.

She wants a man who can nurse her back to health when she is sick.

She wants a man for whom she can cook delicious things.

She wants a man with whom to cuddle.

She wants a man with whom she can hold hands and walk down the street.

She wants a man who loves her as she loves him.

She can’t help herself; she is a woman who wants who she wants.

Her heart wants who it wants, and it breaks every moment she can’t have him.

Panic

Her breathing becomes shallow, and even when she tries to breathe deeply, she can’t make her lungs take in enough air.

Her skin feels tingly at first and then as if something is crawling underneath it. It’s not at all comfortable and she just has to wait for the sensation to pass.

Her chest feels tight and her heart feels like it is pounding. Slow or fast, it’s just beating too hard.

Her mind races, wild with questions and scenarios and possibilities.

She has never been more susceptible to panic in her life. She can’t explain why the person who makes her happiest also makes her feel like this.

She is working on staying positive. Positive thinking. Counting blessings. But the panic is lingering and tonight it is raging. All the momentum she had today is gone and she is reduced to panic at bedtime, mind going a mile a minute about all the things…

Don’t panic. Breathe. You got this. That’s what he would tell her…

Crazy for You

He never promised her he’d leave. But many times, more than she can count, he said he wished she was there or he were here or they were together.

He often said, that somehow, one day, before he died, he’d find a way for them to be together.

He even made a video once that said he had to “figure this out cuz I’m gonna go crazy if I can’t have you.”

A few times he said somehow, one day he would change her last name.

He told her once or twice, that he almost packed a bag and showed up at her door. Including the day he went up north.

So while she knows he never promised her he would leave and be with her, (except that day he came to her work), he said plenty of things, plenty of times that alluded to him doing whatever it would take to be with her.

And she? She allowed herself to believe him and get her hopes up.

She is over here going crazy knowing what she promised him today. She needed to remind herself that she isn’t crazy for thinking it could happen. That she didn’t make it up or just wish for it.

She remembers now. She is not crazy. She didn’t make these things up. She documented them. Kept every video, wrote down every word and treasured them in her heart and memory. Because it was all she wanted. He is all she has ever wanted.

But he’s right, she’s sick. She’s on the verge of being critically ill if she doesn’t get her shit together. And the person she needs to get it together for isn’t him, it’s her.

It’s damned hard though… because… Fuck! She loves him. She loves him like she’s never loved anyone. And she knows she will never love or be loved like this again. How does she just stop wanting that for them?