He never promised her he’d leave. But many times, more than she can count, he said he wished she was there or he were here or they were together.
He often said, that somehow, one day, before he died, he’d find a way for them to be together.
He even made a video once that said he had to “figure this out cuz I’m gonna go crazy if I can’t have you.”
A few times he said somehow, one day he would change her last name.
He told her once or twice, that he almost packed a bag and showed up at her door. Including the day he went up north.
So while she knows he never promised her he would leave and be with her, (except that day he came to her work), he said plenty of things, plenty of times that alluded to him doing whatever it would take to be with her.
And she? She allowed herself to believe him and get her hopes up.
She is over here going crazy knowing what she promised him today. She needed to remind herself that she isn’t crazy for thinking it could happen. That she didn’t make it up or just wish for it.
She remembers now. She is not crazy. She didn’t make these things up. She documented them. Kept every video, wrote down every word and treasured them in her heart and memory. Because it was all she wanted. He is all she has ever wanted.
But he’s right, she’s sick. She’s on the verge of being critically ill if she doesn’t get her shit together. And the person she needs to get it together for isn’t him, it’s her.
It’s damned hard though… because… Fuck! She loves him. She loves him like she’s never loved anyone. And she knows she will never love or be loved like this again. How does she just stop wanting that for them?