The First Goodbye

She had been writing her feelings, her thoughts and her heart, her whole life. And he was no exception. For awhile, she had kept and hidden a journal telling their story. She can’t remember now what became of that journal, but she did find this entry in her book of poetry and prose years later…

July 12, 1995

I should not be writing this.
You mustn’t know I feel this way.
Yet it’s distressing NOT to tell you.
How I long for you, ache for you.
Just the mere thought of you,
And my heart races until I am breathless.

I lay my head against your bare chest.
In your capable arms, I am warm and safe.
I think about all I desire to share with you:
Having you, holding you, pleasing you,
Loving you, you loving me; ALWAYS.

You stir up the passion that lies deep within me.
You bring me to the edge of ecstasy.
There is nowhere I can run from you.
The sweet terror of falling is before me. Every sense heightens. Every muscle tenses.
Every nerve, every inch of my body, Screams for your touch.

No one else can quench this thirst.
There is none who can extinguish the flames.
Nothing can feed this ravenous hunger. Sleep refuses to come,
As visions of you torment my nights.

You intrude on my private thoughts,
The same way you penetrate my core;
I let you inside of me, consummately.
In my mind, we are perfection together:
One motion, one groove, one flow.

My body, heart, and soul are completely satisfied,
Whenever I’m with you.
I want to stay in this place forever with you.
But how can I? Is it even real?

Suddenly, I begin to rouse.
No! Don’t let me wake up!
I need to stay here with you, baby!
Embraced, desired, beloved.
But the day dawns, and I must rise.
I must leave you behind.

This love I feel is ardently strong.
I wish on every star for you to feel the same.
I weep for this is all just a dream,
The fantasy of a silly, love-struck girl.
It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
In my dreams it’s more real than anything;
But in reality, it’s only in my dreams.

 

She truly loved him, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit what she felt. She couldn’t risk losing everything and everyone. He still hadn’t made any indication that he was serious about her. But he kept coming around all summer.

Fall came, and she moved into a new place. She loved having him over, loved being in his arms. She always felt so safe in his embrace. A couple of his friends were let in on the secret, though she had told no one. A lot had gone on with her friends recently. Including some events which had very serious repercussions for him as a father. No one would tell him what really happened. She was the only one who believed he needed to know the truth. And so, when he asked her, she supplied it. When her friends found out, she was mocked and called weak for doing so. But she knew it had been the right thing to do. Her friends had begun turning on her, and he still hadn’t said a word to her about how he felt.

She decided to tell him she was leaving. She would tell him about a guy she had known awhile and that he was interested in her. Wanted to openly date her. It wasn’t entirely true, but she needed an excuse to see if he would try to stop her. Much to her dismay, he didn’t. He just resigned himself to it, and wished her luck. In that moment she believed he had never loved her. It was all in her imagination.

They had one more night together before she left. She hadn’t seen him in weeks and he called out of the blue asking if he could come by her place. Seeing him was going to be difficult, even more so if he worked his magic on her. So she told him if he came over they wouldn’t be having sex. He said that was fine, he just needed a place to stay for the night. So she agreed.

When he came over, they ate and started a movie. She excused herself saying she needed to take a bath. She soaked herself in vanilla-scented bubbles and shaved carefully. She got out and dried herself off. She put on some black lingerie she had saved for a special occasion. Goodbye was certainly special. She slipped into a pair of black heels and a robe, which she left untied.

As she came around the corner into the living room, she asked him if he was ready. He looked up and smiled.

“Thought you said no sex?”

“Who says this is about sex?”

She turned off the TV and turned on the CD player. The notes to Prince’s ‘Do Me, Baby’ filled the room and she began to dance for him. She slid the robe off her shoulders and did some grinding in front of him. Much to her surprise he kept his hands to himself and simply watched her.

She kept going, dancing, grinding, touching herself, watching his eyes closely. He may not have been touching her, but his eyes and the newly formed peak in his drawers told her how much he wanted her.

She sat down on his lap, straddling him. She could feel how hard he was beneath the satin against her lips. She let her body move against him. The next song was playing, more uptempo, but she was rolling her hips, slowly, deliberately against him, and he was loving it. She could see it all over his face.

She worked his pants open and slid herself onto him. He felt like home. She was only a few thrusts into it when he came without any warning. She stopped moving and looked at him.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m tired. I just want to get some sleep.”

She was more hurt than she let him know. She tried to play the tough girl. “How you just gonna nut like that and not wait for me?!”

He simply shrugged.

She stood up, sliding off him. She smacked him with the strap to her robe. She hadn’t meant to hit him in the eye, but she did.

Didn’t he feel what she felt? How could he not see how good they were together? Why did he insist on playing it so cool?

Whatever he felt or thought at that time would remain a mystery to her for two decades. She assumed he was just that kind of guy, trusting no one with who he genuinely was.

It would be more than twenty years before she would finally know him, intimately, and he would bare all to her. Twenty plus years before they realized they had been soulmates all along. So much in common, so much connection, so much chemistry. They simply discovered it too late…

 

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