For Your Eyes Only

Life has gotten quite hectic for the two of them, but somehow they always manage to be present in the tiniest of ways.

Certainly they both wish they could be together to love and hold, support and guide one another through the chaos and the fear, but they know they cannot. Not yet, anyway. So they let each other know they are thinking about each other, in every possible way.

It is definitely hard and sad they have to do it all without one another side by side, but there is hope and promise to be found in the way they communicate. The way they continuously let each other know, “I am here, baby, and I send my love.”

And love him, she truly does.

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Her Best Friend

19 Months Ago…

Her best friend is everything.

He is strength when she is weak.

He is her comfort when she has sorrows.

He is kind when the world is cruel.

He is understanding when she is having an off day.

He is discerning when she is naïve.

He is wise when she has yet to learn.

His laugh lets her know everything in life is good, even when it seems like things are falling apart.

His arms are the safest place to be when she needs somewhere (someone) to run to.

 

Despite all the ways that he is approachable, generous, and sweet, he is not to be trifled with; don’t get it twisted.

He is the kind of man that takes care of his own.

You hurt him or those he loves, and he will hurt you back.

No threats, no warnings, just putting it down, in his exceptional way.

 

He’s more than just her best friend though: He’s the love of her life.

For more than 20 years, he’s been the One She could never forget. The only One she ever regretted losing or letting go.

He is chocolaty eyes and panty-droppin smiles.

She both gets lost and somehow finds herself in him.

He is the One who fully knows her soul.

He is a part of her.

When he is not near her, she can feel him missing from her.

His touch is electric; his kisses reminding her she is alive.

He is the One her body was made for; she fits him like a glove.

He calls forth an unprecedented reaction in her body, and she gives him all of it. Every last drop.

 

He brings out everything in her that was ever intended to be.

Everything she ever tried to run or hide from.

Everything she has ever been too scared or too insecure to believe she could be, he sees in her.

He tells her she can do it all; that she can do anything. (He’s always right, too.)

He’s the truest friend she has ever known.

Her best friend is everything.

She loves him with all she is, always and forever.

 

Everything About Him

She loves the man he is; she loves everything about him.

She loves his voice and its many tones.

She loves the way he speaks to her softly and compassionately when her heart is aching.

She loves the way his bursts of laughter make her heart leap with joy.

She loves the way his voice takes on a growl of unbridled passion when he wants her.

She loves the way his voice is raw and vulnerable when he is being open with her.

She loves the way his voice soothes her soul.

She loves his beautiful cocoa eyes.

She loves the way he looks into her, probing her mind, her heart, her soul.

She loves the way his eyes hungrily scan her body, looking her up and down, taking her all in.

She loves the way they twinkle with mischief when he is in a playful mood.

She loves the way they open his own soul, baring everything inside him to her when she gazes in them.

She loves the way he smells, the way he tastes, the way he feels.

He is musky and manly.

His skin is intoxicating and slightly salty.

His mouth is sweet and savory, like honey butter.

She loves to kiss him all over, licking him and tasting his excitement at her touch.

She loves the way he kisses her passionately, anywhere he pleases and makes her body come alive with just his lips and tongue.

She loves the way he makes love to her. Letting himself be wrapped up in all of her limbs and skin, as he drives his point home.

She loves everything about the way he walks.

He has strolls and struts and strides.

Even when he is tired and worn out from a long day, he holds his head high as he saunters up to her.

He looks at her as he approaches and she gets wet between the thighs.

She loves everything about his mind and his will.

He thinks clearly and logically.

He is creative and knows what he wants.

He is thoughtful and precise in his actions and choices.

He is intelligent and wise.

His brain is always working, always thinking, always finding ways to be the best he can be.

And most of all, she loves his heart, his soul, his magic.

He is astonishingly kind.

He is exceedingly generous.

She has seen his heart break and heard him spill everything inside him, and yet he is still so strong and so capable.

He loves big. HUGE, in fact.

He loves from a place that he has had to hide at times because he hasn’t wanted it to overrun him.

Even during the times when it has gotten the best of him, he continues to love and keep his heart open to her.

She has seen his heart burst from both joy and sadness, and she knows this man was made to be loved by her in any and all circumstances.

There is so much more about him to love. So she will just put a bow on all of him, eyes, smile, smell, taste, walk, talk, mind, heart, soul, and say it’s everything. He is everything she will ever desire.

 

Unspoken

She never thought she would come to a place where couldn’t tell him everything. She never thought she would feel the need to hold anything back from him. It seems as though for now, she must. It feels like a part of her has died.

She has virtual trash cans filled with emails she hasn’t sent and blogs she couldnt’t finish writing. Bins full of things she wants to say, but she just can’t put them on him. She already messed up. Badly. She can’t keep pushing him, no matter how terribly she feels without him, or how much she longs to make amends.

She watched his videos today, and all she could do was cry. She took special note of one video where he asked her, if they couldn’t be together, could they at least be friends? He told her she is his world, and he just wants to hear good morning from her each day. She knows the feeling all too well.

Her heart melted watching it, just like it did the day he sent it. She broke at the sound of his voice cracking. At that time, she told him she would never let him go, and it is painfully obvious that she never will. Even if he never speaks to her again.

She knows in her heart if she could just see him, if she can get to his side, look in his eyes, put her arms around his neck, and hold onto the back of his head, they can make it right. They can fix this.

She wants nothing more than to assure him of her love and devotion. She is desperate to promise him she won’t let it happen again. A promise she will keep; no disclaimers or safety nets. At that moment, he will be able to look into her eyes, down to the depths of her soul, and he will know it is all true: SHE IS FOREVER HIS. ONLY HIS. ALL HIS.

 

Love is Enough

She knows he loves her.

And he knows she loves him.

So how could she do this when they are so close?

How could she forget or doubt that love, is in fact, enough?

She could list excuses and reasons, but ultimately, she overreacted and she fucked up. She was wrong. Plain and simple.

In the past he has always forgiven her. Sometimes he would say, “There is nothing to forgive. You are perfect. You can do no wrong in my eyes.”

It’s the best feeling knowing you are that loved. That two people so perfect for each other, so similar in what they want in a lover and friend, who can’t get enough of each other, can make anything work. That is the power of love.

They already have conversation down pat. They already know each other inside and out. They already know how to please each other. All they need now is time and patience.

While time is something no one can control the outcome of, dealing with her when she is less than patient is something he has handled with compassion and understanding as she has struggled with it throughout their time together.

She has improved, with his help, but it is hard to be patient when you can’t wait another second to be in your lover’s arms, kissing every inch of them and loving them down. Still, she needs to work at it and keep it in check.

Bottom line, he has ALWAYS been there to remind her to breathe and tell her he loves her and that’s all that matters. She doesn’t know if it’s too late, doesn’t know if she has lost him, but what she does know, undoubtedly, is that LOVE IS ENOUGH. It is what matters most.

Soulless

Have you ever known hurt so agonizing, you wish for death rather than cry one more tear among the millions spilt?

All weekend she has been in the thick of it.

She would rather be beaten, bloodied, and broken physically, than feel the emotional torment she feels now.

A lobotomy would not be enough to remove the memories with which her mind haunts her.

An organ transplant would not stop the vice-grip squeezing the life out of her aching heart.

She could swear she lost her very soul on the phone last night. That she watched it escape her body with her sobs, except that it still hurts so bad. People without a soul don’t feel anything, and this is excruciating.

It feels devastating and dreadful and irreparable right now, but perhaps there is an inkling of hope to be found in her pain.

Perhaps the pain says she made a mistake, but she will live on. Perhaps it whispers she can still be forgiven and redeemed. Perhaps it reminds her she is not entirely soulless…

Not yet anyway.

The Monster in the Closet

18 months ago…

She has told him once, she has told him a million times, “I LOVE YOU.”

She loves him with a love that is deeper and more powerful than anything she has ever known.

She loves him in a way she thought existed only in fantasy and fiction, a way she had given up on before him.

She loves him with her whole being: her body, her heart, her soul.

She has always loved him. She will always love him, forever more.

He must know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this love they share is the most genuine and the most profound of their lives. It has been mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-changing!

It is completely unique. Every day, it is brand new in feeling. It is wild and free.

It is precious, like jewels and stars and the moon. It is all those luminescent things that catch the eye and mesmerize it.

It is personal, divine, and intimate. It is like life and death, heaven and hell, the beginning and the infinite.

There is an intensity and a passion in her that only he has ever brought forth. Her heart burns for him, every moment.

She cherishes every second they have shared. She has logged minutes, upon hours, upon days, upon months of thoughts and feelings, fantasies and wishes, memories and moments in the pages she has written.

She has told him everything there is to know about her and laid herself bare before him. Naked, literally and figuratively.

She has treasured every word he has spoken to her, pressing them to her breast and tucking them into her heart.

She has dreamt dreams and hoped hopes she only dared to imagine because he loved her. Impossible things seem possible with him. Maybe because he believes in her, and in them.

She will never regret him or forget him. The times they have shared endure eternally. She lets the memories of their entangled love wash over her and make her new.

In a million lifetimes, she would always be his. His Angel, his baby, the love of his life. And he will always be hers. No matter what.

Today…

That is what makes it all so difficult, so disheartening, so painful.

This kind of love is not designed to be part-time, kept a secret, or left waiting.

It is meant to be lived out together, all day, every day, as partners, lovers, and friends. It is supposed to be two people, all in. Giving everything. Down for anything. Any time. Any place. Always. Together Forever. Always.

Instead, what she experiences most are hurt and loneliness. It hurts constantly. Except for the all too brief moments she is with him. The rest of the time, she misses him fiercely, but tries to fake it for his sake.

He is going through so much, she doesn’t want to add to his list of pressures. She doesn’t want to be the source of his pain. She loves him more than anything. She longs to see him find healing and wholeness. He told her she is supposed to make him happy, and so she hides her true feelings away so they don’t disturb his happiness. But her pain is eating her alive.

It overtakes her when she is alone. Like a monster hiding in a child’s closet, waiting to strike until she is at her most vulnerable, it attacks her with questions and doubts and worries. She has no choice but to fight and cry and wrestle with her demons… alone.

She wonders if she will always have to go it alone. She wonders if she would be better off that way.

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