Crazy for You

He never promised her he’d leave. But many times, more than she can count, he said he wished she was there or he were here or they were together.

He often said, that somehow, one day, before he died, he’d find a way for them to be together.

He even made a video once that said he had to “figure this out cuz I’m gonna go crazy if I can’t have you.”

A few times he said somehow, one day he would change her last name.

He told her once or twice, that he almost packed a bag and showed up at her door. Including the day he went up north.

So while she knows he never promised her he would leave and be with her, (except that day he came to her work), he said plenty of things, plenty of times that alluded to him doing whatever it would take to be with her.

And she? She allowed herself to believe him and get her hopes up.

She is over here going crazy knowing what she promised him today. She needed to remind herself that she isn’t crazy for thinking it could happen. That she didn’t make it up or just wish for it.

She remembers now. She is not crazy. She didn’t make these things up. She documented them. Kept every video, wrote down every word and treasured them in her heart and memory. Because it was all she wanted. He is all she has ever wanted.

But he’s right, she’s sick. She’s on the verge of being critically ill if she doesn’t get her shit together. And the person she needs to get it together for isn’t him, it’s her.

It’s damned hard though… because… Fuck! She loves him. She loves him like she’s never loved anyone. And she knows she will never love or be loved like this again. How does she just stop wanting that for them?

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Long Day…

I have missed you all day;

More than you know.

Do you miss me in your way?

In your eyes does it show?

 

The days are long,

The nights, dark and lonely.

Desire is too strong,

I must be with you only.

 

Bring me near, hold me tight,

Don’t let me go, now or ever.

Close to you is what feels right,

I will love you always and forever.

Never Can Say Goodbye

July 23, 2015

She told him, “You know, you never even had to say nice things to me, or tell me you love me, I would have kissed you anyway.” He knew it was true.

She noticed everything he did that first day. As soon as she saw him arrive, she was nervous. He seemed pleasantly surprised to see her when he came around that corner and gave her that friendly hug before going inside. It wasn’t until they came outside again that she felt herself awakening.

As they talked, her grabbed her by the arms and pulled on her. She didn’t know what he was doing and she didn’t care, she instantly loved it. She instantly remembered she loved HIM.

Damn! He was talking to her! He was touching her! He was being absolutely adorable, making sure he was taller than her when he switched places with her on the curb. She knew right then she still had every feeling for him.

He knows the rest of the story, the rest of that day: flirting with her by messing with car doors, coming around asking about her and her family. Her wishing he would follow her away from the crowd and be alone with her… She inexplicably wanted him so badly!

All that story retelling to say this: This is not some temporary feeling, this is what he does to her. What they have together is one of a kind, and they are NOT DONE. They are not even close to over.

They had their first moment of real, “What the fuck are we doing?!” clarity the day before. Their openness and honesty was terribly painful for them both, but it served a purpose. She heard the real him; the him she loves. The him she ardently hoped would always be genuine with her.

And he heard the real her; the her who cannot lie to him, even a lie by omission. She wants to tell him everything, because she wants him to know ALL of her. She believes he feels the same way.

Every tear she shed that day was for them. The them she longs for, the them that might have been, that might still be.

He is what occupies her thoughts. More specifically, how much she misses him does. She wants him always. To hear his voice, hear him say her name, hear him call her baby, and whisper that he loves her so no one else hears it.

She wants to always see his smile. The smiles he gives her are perfection. She wants to forever look into his eyes and get lost in their cocoa depths.

She wants to lose herself in him, and miraculously find herself there.

She wants to spend forever kissing his every freckle. She wants to kiss him everywhere, every inch, over and over again.

She wants to hold him in her arms and be held by him.

She wants to lay her head on his chest, and hear his heart beat for her.

She wants, she wants, she wants. It all sounds so selfish. But she is madly in love with him. “Head over heels,” as he said to her.

She is not done seeing him. She is not done kissing him. She is not done making love to him. She’s just not.

He can stop anytime he would like, but she cannot. She is his. Full on in love, perfect for this man, soulmates.

She loves him. She ADORES him. And she is not letting him go. EVER.

Under the Moon

She just went out and looked at the moon.

It was exquisite. There was a ring of clouds that had opened up just to frame its perfectly full face. The shining clouds formed a silver halo all around it. It was mesmerizing, actually.

She sat there, thinking about him and all he has going on. She hopes he knows how much she loves and appreciates her Man in the Moon.

She hopes he sleeps well, has the sweetest of dreams, and most of all, that he feels her love as she pours it out, under the moon, for him.

May it wash over him, and revive his body and soul. Her heart belongs to the Moon.

Rain Makers

I can’t get to sleep tonight,

You’re all up in my head.

Thoughts of you have me turned on,

Yet, I’m alone in my bed.

 

I wish you were here next to me,

You wouldn’t believe how much.

I’m here picturing your smile,

Hearing your voice, feeling your touch.

 

I imagine undressing, lover;

I’m bare and warm in your arms.

Give me one chance to please you;

Succumb to my sweet charms,

 

Hold me close to you, sexy.

Take me from behind;

Take me any way you want to, lover,

I’m all yours and you’re mine.

 

Wrap me up in your scent,

The taste of your sift, sweet lips.

Fold me up ecstasy,

Pull me in by the hips.

 

Every movement is a sensation

That leaves me gasping for air;

Your hard love, deep inside me,

Coming to the climax we both share.

 

I cry out your name as you make me cum,

My whole body explodes,

You twitch, you moan, you call me yours,

As you release into me your load.

 

Your arms safely envelop me,

As I lay my head on your chest.

I say, “It’s starting to rain out there.”

You smile, “Baby Girl, you’re the best.”

Losing Control

Wrap on arm around my waist,

Bury the other in my hair.

Look in my eyes and kiss my face;

Your love is beyond compare.

 

If time could stop when we are together,

The world would pass us by.

I would stay here in your arms forever,

Your love making me high.

 

Impractical? Without a doubt.

Still, I am yours tonight.

You’re inside me, I cry out;

Losing control never felt so right.

 

Image by Steve K Art

Nice and Sincere

He asked her, “Why are you so nice to me?”

Well, first off, she likes to think she’s a nice person who treats people kindly, unless the fuck her over or are just a dick. But that’s not the whole answer.

In the time since they have become reacquainted, he has proven to be a true friend to her. He talks to her any time he is able. He forgives her panicked, emotional, ridiculous, insecure moments. He encourages her to be the strong, fabulous, beautiful woman she is, because for some reason, he sees it in her even when she doesn’t see it in herself. He has shown her a positive outlook on life is possible, even in some really shitty situations. He’s helped her rise above many of those situations as well.

But aside from all that he does for her, she sees all the amazing qualities he possesses; good and admirable qualities, which she outlined in great detail a few pages back.

She doesn’t know why she’s nice to him, except the simplest reason of all: BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM.

Her feelings for him from all the years ago laid dormant for so long, she forgot them. But that day, he touched her, it all came rushing back to her, and she hasn’t been able to turn them off since. When she loves, she loves with all of her. Jane Austen said:

There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends, I have no notions of loving people by halves, it is not in my nature.

That is something that is 100% true about her. She’s fairly sure he knows it too. She believes it’s called, “wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve.”

As to his question, “How do you know I’m a nice (or was it a good) person?” She supposes it’s got a lot to do with what she mentioned about his admirable qualities previously. But, to some extent, she inexplicably feels like she knows him.

Years may have passed, but his heart is still something she sees as being in the right place, even if mistakes are sometimes made along the way. The guy who wanted to take her schmobbin’ in his ride to cheer her up when she was seventeen and heartbroken, is the same guy who says he’s not going anywhere and wants to make sure she is taken care of. And he says and does it so sincerely.

I want to be remembered as someone who was sincere. Even if I made mistakes, they were mistakes made in sincerity. If I was wrong, I was wrong in sincerity. I can deal with a person who was wrong as long as they were sincere. -Malcolm X

That’s him, in her opinion.  He has always been open, honest, and genuine with her. She respects him greatly for that.

Hopefully this helps him understand. She doesn’t just blow sunshine. He knows that. She very rarely sees the glass as half full like he does. He not only helps her look at things with a more positive spin, he exemplifies it in who he is at any given moment.

But hey, she’s been looking at the world and him through the rose-colored glasses of love, so what the fuck does she know?